What I now know....

So I had hoped to find the quality time that I have been craving to blog and read and such and while I have done this a little I have also really enjoyed my time away to relax, socialize and just do whatever I like. From this week away I have realized a few things...namely (in no particular order):

• I like being and could imagine myself living in a cold climate.
• Am truly English at heart and am one of the few people that love English food.
• My baby sister will always be my baby and all that goes with that dynamic (she still steals my hairbrush and likes to sit in the front seat so she doesn't get car sick...)
• I love my extended family very much. They are my people and I am most comfortable when I am with them. They remind me that I am not weird or quirky and that I am part of something.
• My extended family does help me appreciate my immediate family and realize that everyone has problems big and small just in different context.
• I am addicted to Steak pies.
• I have self control when it comes to eating, shopping and other things and it is up to me to exercise at my discretion.
• Its okay not to miss my kids because they are totally fine and the little I take for me gives me more to give to them.
• I have had a really shitty year that is now behind me but that I didn't acknowledge at the time.
• I need to reclaim myself as the master of my destiny and get back in the driver's seat.
• I appreciate a dry sense of humor and am sure I have annoyed people by laughing a lot this week. Even at the expense of a dead cat named bubbles.
• My sister is truly one of my best friends and a gift I treasure.
• I enjoy hanging out in a quiet space as much as trapesing through London and in equal proportion.
• Living in the US gives one a jaded sense of safety as the world is a really scary space.
• There are a lot of people out there that need help of all different kinds.
• Its so nice to begin and end a thought without interruption.

So here I am...

in the very cool OneWorld lounge at LAX airport seriously wondering what on earth to do with myself. I am about to head off on a much needed vacation and while I am headed to family overseas, I do believe there will be ample opportunity for me to get some rest as well as have some quiet time to think, read or whatever it is I used to do before my gorgeous girls came along. I promised myself if nothing else that I would take the opportunity to update my blog. It is absolutely ridiculous that my last post was on May 31st! 6 months with nothing!!!! I know I've been busy but even I'm apalled.

I so often think about it (the blog that is) and how it is my favorite way to express myself. For me it is both a release of emotion and a form of therapy (which I guess are kind of the same thing) but at any rate something I really need to do for myself more often. That and the fact that I am always surprised that my friends actually read it and find some small entertainment from it.

The trip I am going on came about in sort of a strange series of circumstances. I was reading "The Other Boleyn Girl" for my book club and simultaneously Nadia was talking about her plans of her trip to England and how she was going to visit my Aunt, cousins and her best friend Penny. For whatever reason one morning I woke up with a feeling like I had a huge weight on my chest. Like I couldn't breath. There was absolutely nothing wrong I just had such a strong feeling that I wanted to get away. Not escape entirely just a really needed break.... It really hit me that I have been going to England since I was 2 and have made at least probably 20 trips in the last 33 years since then but can count on one hand how many things I have actually seen. Reading that book and its description of the castles and different places in the country helped me realize there was so much I haven't seen really with my eyes open as an adult so I could appreciate it.

I love my husband, I love my children but somewhere along the line while trying to conquer my little universe "with an S on my chest" as Alicia Keys puts it, I realize sometimes that I never really feel looked after. Don't get me wrong. I completely appreciate all that my Mom does for me, without whom I would barely just be on survival mode. And Cary has his moments of helpfulness when he's in the mood but I think as wives and mothers we take on these additional identities and somewhere along the line forget who we are and where we were going in our lives.

I can't honestly tell you what my favorite song is or movie or book because so much of the little spare time I have is discussing these things with my girls. I can tell you Miley Cyrus' latest hit or the words to the book "I ain't gonna paint no more" but I couldn't even tell you who the star of the movie was that I saw a month ago because I don't remember.

I always knew or perhaps I assumed I would be a mother. It just wasn't something I ever really thought about. I do think sometimes I should have given it a little more planning and forethought as I was pretty young by today's standards....in the US anyway. I am so grateful that until my last pregnancy I didn't have any major health issues but I worry if I was a good mother when I was younger as there was so much I was still trying to figure out myself.

I'm not complaining by any means, it just all is a bit overwhelming sometimes. I fear that instead of being the jack of all trades I am the master of none. I do believe however that with a big deep breath and some much needed time off not to mention some alone girlie time with my sister will do the trick and it will be interesting to see if and how my perspective changes over the next few days. Hopefully I'll have the time and the means to update this and keep you posted....if anyone out there is reading this.

For now I am going to enjoy myself, relax and partake in all the fineries this lounge has to offer.