SSSMama

Fantasy versus Reality

2010-03-21T03:35:00.000-07:00

I have just had the most amazing opportunity bestowed to me and my husband Cary by our family. My mother blessed us with peace of mind to look after our children while we went away, meanwhile my beloved sister with the help of her friend made it possible for us to get all the way to Cape Town, South Africa, otherwise this would have never happened.

It was eight months or more in the planning. Would it work, wouldn't it work? Would all the elements come together for us to actually go all the way from Los Angeles to Cape Town? Well the answer is yes. And boy did it work. Just prior to the trip not even a blown up fridge, a stolen car and an impending cabin crew strike could deter us from continuing ahead with our plans. It was meant to be.

We set off from Los Angeles and went through London with something of a Motley Crew in tow. An OCD mechanic, an overstressed working mother of three, a bohemian manager, an efficient agent, a happy go lucky (except in the morning) call center supervisor. In London we collected an Internet Entrepeneur and a smiley, sunny plastic surgeon and off to Cape Town we went. All equally ready for a sunny vacation.

The fantasy was to arrive to glorious weather, a beach front accommodation adjacent to a potentially finished hotel. What we arrived to was a one hour car hire process, followed by a 15 minute walk with luggage to collect the car. Upon arriving at said accommodation, while the view was everything we had hoped and dreamed, the reality was that the adjacent construction site (clearly not even halfway done) was a bit of a let down. But regardless, we were in Cape Town and about to see our family after 5 long years.

In the fantasy we would timely surprise each family member individually with tears and laughter. The reality was that after 40 minutes of traffic and driving by the house, to find mother in law and niece in the driveway, we were just relieved to get out the car.

Surprised, she was. Women are always naturally more emotional than men but to see my mother in law running in a circle on the front lawn was quite something.

In the fantasy, my father in law would come home from work to find us in the lounge and be excited to see us. The reality was that Cary walked in on him stark naked in the shower and for the next 20 minutes he retreated in and out of his bedroom in some type of delayed state of shock.

The laughter and tears we receive from Cary's brother and sister-in-law are always what we are hoping for. As we have become adults I think the four of us understand the challenges we face as young married couples and parents and I believe they truly comprehend and appreciated when they realized we had come all the way to see them, what it means and what it takes to leave our children.

Meeting our nieces Hannah and Emma was a joy I can only compare closely with the love I have for my own children. To see my daughters blood relatives and appreciate their differences and similarities is something that was worth every mile travelled. Here the reality far surpassed the fantasy.

So after the surprises were over, what else do you do in South Africa except light a fire and have a braai. Lucky for us, Chad had already started this process when he had been called to his mothers house to fictitiously pick up Emma.

And so we began to Braai and the wine, beer, vodka and brandy flowed. Our crew were extremely patient and understanding, enduring hours of high decibal yelling as the Keown and Abrahamse family were clearly together and loud is their middle name.

In the fantasy, we will have a great time, get home, sleep in the next morning and venture off somewhere. The reality was that while we managed to rally to the waterfront, Cary played it safe, stayed home and nursed his bad hangover. There I knew the reality was he was never going anywhere the next day.... to be continued.....

Happy Thanksgiving....

2009-11-26T09:08:00.000-08:00

In the chaos of this great holiday sometimes its difficult to slow down enough to reflect on what we are most grateful for. Fortunately I am blessed to not have to participate in any cullinary olympics today so I thought I'd take the extra few minutes I have to reflect what I am grateful for...

The obvious are my family, near and far, (Joanna, Auntie Katie and Auntie Jac:))close and distant.

My beautiful three daughters who continue to amaze me every day as they transform into their own personalities and individual beings.

My husband who is a great friend of mine who is reaching way outside his comfort zone to discover ....well many things.

My mother who is my rock and mainstay. Most people would think that is your husband but for me it is my Mom and Cary understands this too. She is always reassuring in times of stress and picks up when she knows I can't go forward. While she is very sensitive she is so strong and our lives would not be the same if we hadn't had these years with her. I love you Mom.

My beautiful, intelligent and sweet sister. She is an amazing woman with so much talent, beauty and charm, she just doesn't always know it. She is a wonderful Aunt to our girls and the best friend I have always needed.

My sweet girlfriends near and far who bring such an ecclectic wonder to my life. Carrie, Kara, Veronica, Lisa, Wendy, Amy, Clare, April, Janene, Silvia, Jenny, Michele, Petrea, Heather and my guardian angel Sarah....who will never know what you mean to me. Thanks for always listening when I need you and for making me laugh. You are each the sprinkles on my cupcake of life.

Then there are the physical things I am grateful for. I know it may sound weird but we really don't know how good we have it. Here is my laundry list of those mundane items that help so much:

I'm grateful to the Speers, Lyons and Matthes families for this beautiful home we live in.

My DVR which allows me to be a good mom and watch tv when\if I have time.

My iPhone that I would be lost without. So much entertainment at the palm of my hand :)

My computers. The comfortable mattress on my bed. My mineral powder which I really think may be a coping mechanism haha.

Facebook, Yahoo Messenger, Email and the wonder of the digital camera. The world really isn't that big after all and these technologies help us stay close.

Modern medicine and the continued wonder and respect I have for the fact that my daughter is with us, healthy and happy (currently sitting across the room enjoying the sound of tearing pages of the new tabloid magazine I have not yet read!!!). That same technology which is keeping the precious baby Paul in his momma's belly as long as possible.

The progress of cancer treatment and how it was able to save my Evil Knievil Daddy who at the age of 71 after 6 months of chemotherapy decided to ride his motorbike to the Florida keys and back to see how far it was. That same technology which has saved my friend Gaia so she can mother her sweet babes and how I know it will save my new friend T as she begins her fight and conquers her cancer just so she can continue to kick my butt into shape.

For all of these things I am grateful to God. Lord I am so grateful for my choices I get to make every day and that I don't know what it is to go very hungry or cold.

Happy Thanksgiving.

A Proud Moment...

2009-09-01T08:10:00.000-07:00

Savannah, where do I begin to tell you how proud I am of you and what a privilege it is to be your mom. I hope as you grow older you will look back fondly at your childhood and see it as a happy time.

The truth is you have faced some pretty big obstacles in the past year or two (well we have as a family) but I feel like you have had to be almost the most resillient of everyone by changing schools, changing addresses and while you voice your concerns you never complain or refuse to do it.

Case in point of last night. Your Dad and I received a letter several weeks ago to let us know that there is a strong possibility that you may not get to attend the school we had in mind for you to complete fourth and fifth grade due to space availability. We thought that to assist you with the transition of changing schools it would be a good idea for you to go back to the place where you attended Kindergarten and First Grade.

We were so concerned at how you would react and feeling stressed ourselves at the prospect of asking you to make yet another change in your little life because of choices that we make for us as a family unit.

So now that the time is near for schools to resume session, we casually broached the subject last night at dinner. We explained to you that we received a letter and that while you will be attending the school district we had in mind, it might be at a different school location that only has 3rd, 4th and 5th grade but that we would know by the end of the week.

While initially I thought I saw the smallest amount of fear in your eyes, to our shock, surprise, delight and slight confusion, your response was this:

"Hmmm, well would it be okay if, once we find out, I can choose for myself? I kind of like the idea of going to a school with less grades and less people."

Your Dad and I were somewhat stunned and so we said sure you will get to decide. Our preference of course would be to have you and your sister on the same campus, however, how can we question your choices when you receive information so openly and willingly.

It will be interesting to see how this plays out in the end. We love you Savannah and are just so so proud of you.

Sydney Bean!

2009-08-21T08:57:00.000-07:00

Sydney, why can't you stay this little forever, and love me this much for always? I love you my sweet and can't believe how far you've come, how much you've accomplished and how you remind me to live in the moment. I cannot believe in just three days you will be the tender age of 2!

And by the way, just for the record, you are a very willfull two, all fight and minimal cooperation :)

PS This picture was taken at Auntie V's Luau after you had been in the pool for way too long. You protested getting out even though you were three shades of blue! 8/8/09

I'm grateful for...

2009-08-14T08:42:00.000-07:00

My beautiful family and how they make me smile even when they're sleeping...

My girlfriend Veronica and how she thinks of me, passes me her hand me down clothes and I feel like a million bucks in them...

My Wish list...

2009-08-14T08:41:00.000-07:00

I wish I could get it together to scrapbook to document my daughters events and the precious memories I have with them.

HOW ON EARTH?

2009-08-14T08:36:00.000-07:00

Did I get to the middle of August and this is the first time I am posting this year? Shocking and unexcusable!

I couldn't tell you what I have done with all of this time but this year more than any other before has been at a breakneck pace. Definitely going to aim for a low key, stop and smell the roses kind of year next year...... in the meantime however warp speed continues.

What I now know....

2008-12-10T06:04:00.000-08:00

So I had hoped to find the quality time that I have been craving to blog and read and such and while I have done this a little I have also really enjoyed my time away to relax, socialize and just do whatever I like. From this week away I have realized a few things...namely (in no particular order):

I like being and could imagine myself living in a cold climate.
Am truly English at heart and am one of the few people that love English food.
My baby sister will always be my baby and all that goes with that dynamic (she still steals my hairbrush and likes to sit in the front seat so she doesn't get car sick...)
I love my extended family very much. They are my people and I am most comfortable when I am with them. They remind me that I am not weird or quirky and that I am part of something.
My extended family does help me appreciate my immediate family and realize that everyone has problems big and small just in different context.
I am addicted to Steak pies.
I have self control when it comes to eating, shopping and other things and it is up to me to exercise at my discretion.
Its okay not to miss my kids because they are totally fine and the little I take for me gives me more to give to them.
I have had a really shitty year that is now behind me but that I didn't acknowledge at the time.
I need to reclaim myself as the master of my destiny and get back in the driver's seat.
I appreciate a dry sense of humor and am sure I have annoyed people by laughing a lot this week. Even at the expense of a dead cat named bubbles.
My sister is truly one of my best friends and a gift I treasure.
I enjoy hanging out in a quiet space as much as trapesing through London and in equal proportion.
Living in the US gives one a jaded sense of safety as the world is a really scary space.
There are a lot of people out there that need help of all different kinds.
Its so nice to begin and end a thought without interruption.

So here I am...

2008-12-03T16:15:00.000-08:00

in the very cool OneWorld lounge at LAX airport seriously wondering what on earth to do with myself. I am about to head off on a much needed vacation and while I am headed to family overseas, I do believe there will be ample opportunity for me to get some rest as well as have some quiet time to think, read or whatever it is I used to do before my gorgeous girls came along. I promised myself if nothing else that I would take the opportunity to update my blog. It is absolutely ridiculous that my last post was on May 31st! 6 months with nothing!!!! I know I've been busy but even I'm apalled.

I so often think about it (the blog that is) and how it is my favorite way to express myself. For me it is both a release of emotion and a form of therapy (which I guess are kind of the same thing) but at any rate something I really need to do for myself more often. That and the fact that I am always surprised that my friends actually read it and find some small entertainment from it.

The trip I am going on came about in sort of a strange series of circumstances. I was reading "The Other Boleyn Girl" for my book club and simultaneously Nadia was talking about her plans of her trip to England and how she was going to visit my Aunt, cousins and her best friend Penny. For whatever reason one morning I woke up with a feeling like I had a huge weight on my chest. Like I couldn't breath. There was absolutely nothing wrong I just had such a strong feeling that I wanted to get away. Not escape entirely just a really needed break.... It really hit me that I have been going to England since I was 2 and have made at least probably 20 trips in the last 33 years since then but can count on one hand how many things I have actually seen. Reading that book and its description of the castles and different places in the country helped me realize there was so much I haven't seen really with my eyes open as an adult so I could appreciate it.

I love my husband, I love my children but somewhere along the line while trying to conquer my little universe "with an S on my chest" as Alicia Keys puts it, I realize sometimes that I never really feel looked after. Don't get me wrong. I completely appreciate all that my Mom does for me, without whom I would barely just be on survival mode. And Cary has his moments of helpfulness when he's in the mood but I think as wives and mothers we take on these additional identities and somewhere along the line forget who we are and where we were going in our lives.

I can't honestly tell you what my favorite song is or movie or book because so much of the little spare time I have is discussing these things with my girls. I can tell you Miley Cyrus' latest hit or the words to the book "I ain't gonna paint no more" but I couldn't even tell you who the star of the movie was that I saw a month ago because I don't remember.

I always knew or perhaps I assumed I would be a mother. It just wasn't something I ever really thought about. I do think sometimes I should have given it a little more planning and forethought as I was pretty young by today's standards....in the US anyway. I am so grateful that until my last pregnancy I didn't have any major health issues but I worry if I was a good mother when I was younger as there was so much I was still trying to figure out myself.

I'm not complaining by any means, it just all is a bit overwhelming sometimes. I fear that instead of being the jack of all trades I am the master of none. I do believe however that with a big deep breath and some much needed time off not to mention some alone girlie time with my sister will do the trick and it will be interesting to see if and how my perspective changes over the next few days. Hopefully I'll have the time and the means to update this and keep you posted....if anyone out there is reading this.

For now I am going to enjoy myself, relax and partake in all the fineries this lounge has to offer.

Sex and the City

2008-05-31T08:17:00.001-07:00

So while my backlog blogging needs some serious work, I couldn't miss the opportuntiy to dish about the Sex and the City movie. Yes I participated in one of the zillions of girls nights out going on across America at the moment and I had to say I had such a lovely time.

The evening was arranged by my girlfriend "V" and while she was the only girl I am close to, I most of the others and it also gave me a chance to meet some new faces that work at Mattel who I had always wondered about.

We started off at PF Changs for martinis and a yummy dinner. I was the first to arrive and after sending back their very berry martini I settled on something called a Lucky Cat which is basically vodka, pineapple juice and Chambord, yum!

Everyone arrived at different times and after my Lucky Cat and another Apple Martini and the scrumptious honey shrimp, I was rather relaxed and enjoying myself. Veronica was ever so sweet and surprised us each with our very own black SATC gift back complete with shocking pink tissue paper, would you believe a designer cookie with an image of the four gals onto a sugar cookie with frosting, a cd of the movie soundtrack and a lollipop, just in case. So cute and it was very cool to see the other large tables of women spying on us with envy:)

Joelle and I went over to start lining up just before seven for the 8pm showing. It was one of those things that in some small way you were kind of excited to be a part of. Its not like we were working on world peace or anything but I really enjoyed seeing this extremely wide variety of women of all ages, races, marital status, some pregnant, weights and cultures come together with the same girlfriend bond.

It was really fun to watch the movie and obvious we weren't the only gals who had had a few martinis but it was one of those things where a funny part was even funnier by everyone laughing. Just a really good time.

For the movie itself I loved it. I am not a picky movie critic by any stretch of the imagination but I felt that it had the right balance of hapiness and sadness and I felt like it had some very realistic parts and sometimes everything isn't perfect and that's okay. I think there was something in it for everyone, regardless of your age or marital status etc. The only two things that bothered me ever so slightly was I would have liked to see a little bit more of Charlotte's home life with her husband and a little less of Jennifer Hudson. Louise was a cute character don't get me wrong but I just wanted Carrie to spend more time with her girlfriends but then again isn't that life? The other is that I wanted Charlotte to either just adopt another little baby or be okay with what she had. I was happy for her and all but I always think of my friends who try endlessly to fall pregnant and sometimes things just don't work out that way that they become a mom another way. I just felt that to give Charlotte everything including a pregnancy was a little over the top.

Anyway, I had an awesome time and it was one of those female experiences that need not be shared with men. They don't get it and I doubt they ever will.... and sometimes that's just fine too. Perhaps in some way some good secrets are just better kept:)

Backlog Blogging

2008-05-18T07:39:00.000-07:00

So I am finally updating my blog but will be filing them in back log based on the months or weeks of when these things happened. Its not that I don't want to blog but as I shared with a friend yesterday, I have all these thoughts and stories in my head however getting the uninterrupted time to actually type them out is a whole nother story. For now it is 7:40am and I have been up since six, fed my baby, had some coffee, caught up on an episode of Desperate Housewives from over a week ago. Now my two older daughters have joined us and are watching a program that is keeping them somewhat entertained while my baby girl Sydney has most likely filled her diaper and fallen asleep being the sweet little angel she is. I am going to capitalize on this time and while I don't like the idea of dirty diapers, I have to get some typing done otherwise I will never remember what it was I had intended to say for the last six weeks.

No sooner have I typed the above, the two older girls have started a debate on what they would like to watch and baby is now awake so I must change her :)

Hopefully I shall return!!!

Oh and shall I mention that my husband is fast asleep oblivious to all of this!

Auntie Katie

2008-04-10T08:09:00.000-07:00

I wanted to make sure I didn't leave the month of April (yes people I know its mid-May as I write this) but on my blog I wanted to make sure I didn't leave the month of April without mentioning someone special to me who we call Auntie Katie.

Auntie Katie is one of those fairy godmothers that I hope every woman has on some level in their life. She came to me at birth when my mother needed a sure hand as she waivered in her confidence as a new mom. Auntie Katie was my first and only Nanny and someone who has been a constant in my life no matter where I lived or what has happened.

Now as an adult with my own children my appreciation for her is at an alltime high. You see Auntie Katie has cared for hundreds of people, be it children that she nannied since her twenties or the HIV victims she nursed in the eighties and nineties. She seems to care for everyone who crosses her path although I always feel the bond between her and I is more unique and special than most.

For whatever reason she was not able to be a natural mother herself but I'd like to believe its because she is a mom to so many most of all her little dog Lucky. She has now retired in Sarasota, Florida but of course she volunteers to take care of babies of unwed mothers who go to school.

She has the greatest sense of humor, a fabulous newcastle accent and one of the most infectious laughs you can imagine. She even resembles my own Mom and people have mistaken them before thinking just one had changed their hairstyle. I will say she's probably a bit more lenient than my Mom in some things but you wouldn't want to step out of line as she has the same no nonsense attitude expected of any upstanding British Nanny :)

Most recently my Mom needed a much needed vacation to England before she took on our three daughters full time. Without hesitation Auntie Katie made the sacrifice of her time to come all the way from Florida to stay with us and take care of our three girls. She bonded with each one so incredibly and I think on some level Sydney is still wondering where she is.

I am so grateful to have Auntie Katie in my life and this little blurb was to help remind her that. I keep this blog as a diary to my own children so that they will understand my emotions, our life's little trials and quandries but to also understand how much people like Auntie Katie mean to me.

Thoughts are one thing but sometimes I think writing them out or making sure you express them in some way is equally important. How will others know how you truly feel unless you tell them...make sure they listen or better yet read :)

I love you Auntie Katie, you really mean the world to me and if there is ever anything you need from me you know I am here for you.

Highly recommended...

2008-04-05T22:51:00.000-07:00

Two nights away with just your husband to talk, sleep in, read, stay up late, heck even going to the local store is fun, put makeup on (completely), leave where you are staying fully dressed including accessories and hair done, enjoy time with friends, eat, drink and silently wonder what your kids are doing all the while being able to relax, appreciate them from a distance and even miss them a little by the time you head back to them:)

HIGHLY NOT RECOMMENDED:

Enjoy reading book club book in lounge chair by jacuzzi in overcast weather while you are actually burning to a crisp. The red hue of my skin is not my camera or the fact that I'm tipsy, its a burn people, an idiot burn at that. Fortunately it only hurt for a day and has pretty much already gone. Ay yi yi. The benefit of having so many children is you always leave the house prepared for just about anything.

I can't stop crying....

2008-04-01T13:59:00.000-07:00

Okay I am at work and keep tearing up.... its the silliest thing. Sydney's blood tests came back beautiful just like her. We get to take her off of caffeine and put her onto rice cereal. The silliest thing in the world and yet I feel like my heart will burst with pride and happiness.

Of course I need to celebrate so I am off in search of a high chair and will pick up the rice cereal on my way home :)

Yippeee

2008-03-26T20:29:00.000-07:00

What more can I say!

Happy Easter

2008-03-24T20:21:00.000-07:00

Seriously people where is the time going. How was it Easter already. I know I'm busy when I'm at home but my goodness I can't believe how the days and weeks are just flying. The girls are doing so well each individually as well as us as a family. I could not be happier and the memories of the last months of last year seem distant and hard to remember. Here are our gorgeous girlies...

Thanks for the super cute outfits Nana!

Sydney was 7 months old on Monday

Happy St Patrick's Day

2008-03-17T20:24:00.000-07:00

Okay so I couldn't get all three girls together in the same direction so here's the delicious Sydney showing off her new chubby cheeks.

Biggest Fan

2008-03-17T20:18:00.001-07:00

Savannah and Cary had their first Father\Daughter dance last Friday and we went to Johnny Rockets before hand for a school fundraiser.

So I know I'm my kids biggest fan but these pics are just too cute.

And yes that's Sydney in a poodle skirt too.

Okay so...

2008-03-13T21:45:00.000-07:00

I cannot believe how much time has gone and how quickly since I last blogged. I thought I would do it when Sydney turned five months on 01/24/08 but alas something came up. Here's a pic anyway of Sydney at 5 months.

Then I thought, okay for sure I will do it on Valentine's day or when Sydney turned 6 months on 02/24/08 but that didn't happen either.

So now I realize that if I don't just bite the bullet and get on the opportunity is really never going to present itself.

So you may be asking yourself well what were you so busy with (although I know you moms aren't asking)? Well....lets see

Umm, well the adjustment to three kids at home has been a bit bigger than I had thought. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel outnumbered as in this house we have three parents, me, Cary and my Mom. Trust me I don't know how people do it without the extra hands and I now believe mothers who are single parents, providing they don't beat their dchildren deserve some kind of direct passage into heaven, sainthood or somekind of eternal hapiness.

Its more that I just feel so driven to give each of them as much quality time as possible. So that being said, for those of you interested in reading I will try and create an archive of events to catch you up to date....of course that is when I have bit more time, for now I'm off to watch Lipstick Jungle (my new little vice)

Why is it...

2008-01-11T10:21:00.000-08:00

...that I can effectively straighten up my house when my housekeeper is about to arrive, but can't get it done on any other day.

...that I can do homework with my seven year old, while tending to a fussy baby with roast squash and pork tenderloin in the oven but I can't get through the mail on the dining table.

...that I can read my friends blogs but never get the time to keep mine up to date.

...that I can diligently search for what I think is a creative birthday gift for a best friend only to have it sit unwrapped and ungiven for two weeks!!!!

...that I can bath and dress all my children and do laundry and it is 10:25am, I have just eaten half of my breakfast and I am still in my pajamas!!!!! with an untidy house again!!!

Ah well I'm sure when I go back to work I'll remember some kind of efficiency skill.

First Family Outting

2008-01-04T07:30:00.000-08:00

So on Sunday 1/30/07 we decided we finally needed some air and so did all three kids.
Trying to find something that would interest 3 out of five of us, we settled on miniature golf at Mulligan's family center in Torrance.

Bearing in mind, we made this decision at 9am. Somewhere around 9:30am Cary says to me, "so we'll leave at 10am?" At this point I look at him with my hair in a bun, pajama clad while making pancakes and a fresh bottle for Sydney, chuckle and reply "no dear, that was when we had two kids, plus we are waiting for our Vons.com delivery so let's shoot for 1pm."

'Oh", he said, "okay".

Wouldn't you know it that murphy's law for the first time ever, Vons delivered at 2pm instead of 11am like they were supposed by which point we are all now hungry, cranky yet still determined for our outting as at this point we have been waiting all day.

2:18pm we are finally in the car and on our way!!! Once we arrive, the priority is food as we are about to devour each other. Fortunately the chicken strips and grilled chicken sandwich we shared was hot, fresh and beyond delicious so we devoured that and were ready for some golfing. Unfortunately poor Shelby had two mini meltdowns as at this point she really should have been napping rather than anything else.

The girls thoroughly enjoyed the golf and it was tears when we had to leave. Sydney slept peacefully wrapped to my chest and the setting was ideal as it wasn't too crowded and we were outside.

It was very surreal seeing three kids in three car seats all at once and Cary and I just kept smiling goofily at each other. Our life is finally starting again :)

Santa Baby

2007-12-29T18:57:00.000-08:00

I just received the electronic pics of Sydney which one of her favorite nurses had taken and printed and were left for us on her bed when she was discharged. They are too cute so just thought I'd share. She was discharged in her Santa suit and wore it on Christmas Day.

Merry Christmas 2007

2007-12-24T22:12:00.001-08:00

Well, the gifts are all under the tree, stockings filled and sleeping baby and children are softly snoring in their beds. I have finally put the house into some small order (although only to have it completely anihialated only hours from now).

I am so grateful that Christmas is here and have never felt so fortunate for the family and friends in my life. I have been constantly surprised by people and the human experience in the past months. For things you'd expect that sometimes do not happen and then the people who step up for you in a way that you would never ask or expect.

I cannot wait to see the thrill on Savannah and Shelby's faces in the morning and see to Sydney as and when she rouses. Holding each of them in my arms the way they are each so unique in their looks, what they bring to my life, their affection and gratitude so appropriate to each of their little personalities.

I cannot wait to sit at our humble little dining table all crowded in together and be fortunate to have a table filled with food, both my parents to share with us as well as my sister. It reminds me to be mindful and think of my inlaws so far away and respect that every holiday we spend apart from them is so difficult for Cary whether he will ever admit it or not.

I have such a sense of peace and relief and am filled with optimism for a new beginning to restart and recharge in '08.

And then...

2007-12-20T09:25:00.000-08:00

there were three.....three little girls, three little angels, three little pairs of hands to hold and cheeks to kiss.

On Wednesday 12/19/07 our family was united as we brought our baby girl Sydney home after 117 days in NICU.

Our gratitude has no words to the staff at Santa Monica UCLA Hospital as well as all of you who have supported us with prayer, food, love and gifts during these gruelling months.

As we prepared to leave the hospital, one of Sydney's champion nurses held my face in her hands and said to me, "my girl, this nightmare is over, today you are waking up and your beautiful life can begin. It is like it never happened, it was all just a bad dream." At first I couldn't believe her but I couldn't sleep last night during our first night together, I felt like it was a dream and I was afraid that if I went to sleep when I woke up I would be back to Tuesday.

My face hurts from smiling and I have an energy and peace that I can't remember having before. My baby is home, my children are together and for my husband and I, our life can now resume.

We thank each and every one of you for what you bring to our lives and for all of your support.

We truly understand the meaning of the word "Merry" in Merry Christmas and we hope you enjoy the same with your family and friends.

Rumor has it...

2007-12-16T21:27:00.000-08:00

Sydney may be coming home soon...very soon. At the beginning of last week (I think it was the 9th) the (nurses and Dr. Davis) removed Sydney's feeding tube. This is a huge deal in the preemie world as it is one of the last steps before going home.

Sydney's challenge now is to try and remain calm during her refluxing and actually want to eat. After several challenging days they have finally put her on a four hour\at lib schedule which means she is fed every four hours or when she cues she is hungry, whichever comes first.

This weekend her homecoming was discussed at length during my visits to see her and for a time she was even going to come home on Monday the 17th!

After much consideration we decided to add a medicine to proactively help her with her refluxing thus putting off her discharge for a few days. She also got thrush in her mouth which has made drinking a bottle painful for her and breastfeeding is not an option as it is contagious. So we continue to patiently wait and the days are suddenly getting longer again.

I am in a state at the moment where every day is too long and each drive becomes more difficult but I know we are within days of her coming home and it is something worth every dreaded mile.

Her homecoming is filled with quite a few conditions such as multiple visits to the pediatrician and a buffet of mild medications which she will need such as caffeine and fermotodine (pepcid) still I cannot wait for the day to come when I am awake in the middle of the night by my sweet baby's cry rather than waking to wonder what she is doing and if she is okay. I will then think of my friends April, Clare, Katherine, Laurie, Emi, Joann and Carrie and wonder if they too are feeding and changing their newborns.

In the meantime I will continue to care for, read to, dress, feed and taxi Shelby and Savannah as they finish their last week of school before the Christmas holiday break. Savannah also finishing golf, drawing lessons two dress rehearsals and a winter sing program all in one week! Perhaps its not such a bad thing Sydney has to wait a few more days....yikes....!

In a sense all three girls will be arriving home together for two weeks of togetherness. Bring on the arts and crafts, walks to the park and the ever reliable Disney movies :)

PS Did I mention that Sydney's new crib has not yet arrived nor have I taken the car seat out of the box yet... and there are those gifts that still need to be wrapped.....

Busy busy busy

2007-12-10T21:21:00.000-08:00

I can't believe how time continues to fly by at an alarming rate. Hours and days going by in such a blur.

This past week was filled with errands, running after one girl or another, a fabulous evening out with some girlfriends at the Marmalade Cafe, an infant CPR class on Saturday and a great Christmas party on Saturday night.

All the while I realize I have not gotten a thing done towards Christmas. I know just about everything is here but finding it, organizing it and wrapping it will be another feat entirely.

Sweet Treat

2007-12-01T22:29:00.000-08:00

Today was a sweet treat. On my morning visit to Sydney they (nurses) informed me that they would be taking of her oxygen cannula so she would be back to just the feeding tube. While I sat visiting with her they took the cannula off and then realized that I had never seen Sydney without any tubes obstructing her face. So they took off her feeding tube as well and I tearfully got to enjoy my visit with my youngest daughter....covering her cheeks with as many kisses as I could. After all she is a chubby six pounds now and every ounce of her is scrumptious!

By the afternoon they needed to reinsert her feeding tube but she has been able to stay off the oxygen so hopefully they will not need to put it back on again.

In the afternoon we (Savannah, Shelby and I) enjoyed an afternoon at Katelyn's birthday party complete with bouncy castle and face painting which they thoroughly enjoyed.

In the evening it was off to Santa Monica with Dad to enjoy some main street strolling on a beautiful California night. We walked along the shops which offer complimentary snacks and beverages. The kids had so much fun with our friends the Petrilles and the Pauls.

The Castle

2007-11-28T22:12:00.000-08:00

Tonight Sydney moved from a plexiglass bassinet into a full size steel crib (the kind that is used in a pediatrics ward). While this provides a lot more space and gave us an opportunity to provide some more comforts from home, you can't help but feel like you're moving in.

One half of the crib is where she sleeps, surrounded by some soft toys and the bumper from the crib her sisters used. We have hung up some of her toys for her to look at (secretly hoping they'll have some kind of appeal to her that will make her wonder if there are more waiting at home:)) The other half of the crib has her bouncy chair from home which is handy to put her in after a big meal so she can sit up comfortably and look around.

100 Days

2007-11-27T22:01:00.000-08:00

Today marks 100 days since Sydney was born.

I am trying my best to see this as an accomplishment of all that she has been through yet all that we have made it through if that makes sense.

Always looking for a reason to celebrate I loaded up with goodies from Trader Joes for the day and night shift nurses which were a welcomed treat for all.

Some of these women became friends of mine a while ago and they appreciate every small gesture. Their tireless work always seems to go unnoticed yet for so many of these women this is an obvious lifepath and not just a job. I really do not know where Sydney, nor Cary and I would be without them.

Due Date...Bday....3 months!!!

2007-11-24T21:54:00.000-08:00

Today was a strange day for me. Today was Sydney's real due date. In one sense it is a day to celebrate and realize how far she has come, kind of a mini birthday of sorts. It also marks that she is 3 months old today and weighs almost six pounds.

On one hand I kind of wanted to spend the whole day with Sydney just in the chair holding her. On another I wanted to lay in bed with my head under the covers as I continue to wonder when she will come home. But as we women know, being a mom leaves very little time for self pity or sleep so instead we went to visit Sydney for our usual visit and spent the afternoon taking Savannah and Shelby to the movies and dinner which they thoroughly enjoyed.

I will post pictures later when my computer issues are resolved.

The Road Home...

2007-11-18T19:37:00.001-08:00

To get to Santa Monica UCLA Hospital from Manhattan Beach there are three ways you can go.

You can take the 405 North to the 10 East and pray to the traffic gods that they will be kind to you..(sometimes jumping in the carpool lane by yourself, I'll admit it!). If that doesn't work, you can take the surface streets through Westchester, Marina Del Rey, Culver City and Santa Monica and while you don't save a whole lot of time, you will get there in about 40 minutes and you're pretty guaranteed to keep moving... and then sometime times you can take an unexpected route which gets you there 10 minutes quicker for no apparent reason, or you perhaps take a wrong turn down 17th street that is covered in speed bumps which makes for an interesting drive.

Regardless of how you get there the destination is always the same, to get to Sydney's bedside before her "touch time".

The road home is proving a bit more difficult. Sydney is doing well in that she is at a whopping 5 lbs 3ounces (over 2300g) (a weight I couldn't even imagine when I first saw her) however neurologically she cannot seem to pull together the concept of "suck, swallow, breath" which of course is what she needs to do to be able to be fed without a feeding tube. On Friday 11/16/07 we marked 12 weeks since Sydney was born.

We are also hitting the wall in the sense that her progress to get home is stalling. In an effort to be creative, her doctors have decided to put her back on her oxygen with the smallest amount of support and reduce her food intake so that she won't be so full and have such a hard time breathing during and after meals. In addition to all this, Sydney is very anemic which is why her energy level is so low. Over the next five days hopefully these new elements will bring a small amount of progress and then they will make the decision of whether or not to give her another blood transfusion.

To say we are getting tired is a small understatement but when we are with Sydney every driven mile, gallon of gas, ounce of pumped breastmilk, elevator ride, handwash, antibacterial rub, nurse greeting, telephone call and dirty diaper is worth it. She is beyond delicious to us and there is a mischief to her little gassy smile. Her cleverness is yet to be realized.

I took Savannah and Shelby spontaneously to the beach last week. Like waiting for the tide to come in they anxiously await her homecoming and it is what they are asking for for Christmas more than any toy they may want.

We really don't know when Sydney will come home. It could be next week, it could be a month from now. I'm just hoping I can grant these little girls Christmas wish as it is their dad's and mine as well...

Hi....Its me Sydney...

2007-11-12T14:51:00.000-08:00

Tummy time on Mummy's chest

Cotton Candy

2007-11-12T14:47:00.000-08:00

Just a little bundle of pink fluffy love... (yes I am in the ridiculous honeymoon stage where I am infatuated with her)

Green Milk...

2007-11-12T14:43:00.000-08:00

I do not like Green Eggs and Ham, I do not like them Sam I am.... fortunately Sydney has to like her Green Milk. (Breast milk with fortifier and vitamins...), then again a cuddle with Auntie Nad is like the spoonful of sugar....helps the medicine go down.

11 Weeks old today

2007-11-09T07:58:00.000-08:00

Sydney is eleven weeks old today and continues to surprise, shock and amaze us. Yesterday was a big day for her in that she transitioned from an incubator into a bassinet (same size bed as she will use at home that is open). She now regulates her own body temperature.

In addition they took off her oxygen canula (little clear tubes in her nose) so the only thing left on her face is her feeding tube.

Sydney is a chunky 2050g (4lbs 6oz) today. The difference in her is just amazing. We are still working hard on her neurological coordination as she is having a little trouble transitioning to the bottle but we'll get there.

Day 75

2007-11-07T19:20:00.000-08:00

Well today was day 75 in the NICU for Sydney and boy do we feel it...

On the bright side, our little chunk of love weighs a whopping (1935g) which is 4lbs and nearly 3 ounces. She made the four pound mark on Monday.

I had to laugh, the doctor actually said that if she continues to put weight on this fast they may have to put her on a diet. I can only imagine the expression on my face.

The reaction we've been getting is..."oh that's great, now she can come home" but as we have learned that is really not the case. Sydney's development is still moving right along but from a breathing, cardiac and neurological standpoint she's not quite there yet.

Don't get me wrong, she is doing fantastic but with the apnea and brady spells that she currently has, Thanksgiving is not being mentioned any longer. Of course they add the disclaimer that the whole picture could change next week so as we just continue to ride the roller coaster where it takes us.

I'll definitely take some new pics soon ... Please keep us in your prayers.

4 pounds here we come

2007-11-04T08:19:00.000-08:00

So our littlest Keown is changing by the day. She is a whopping (well whopping for her anyway) 3lbs 13oz (1710g) and 17 inches long!!!

Halloween Pics

2007-11-04T07:50:00.000-08:00

The fabulous Monster Bride

Sally the car and the Monster Bride

Aunty Nad, Savannah, Shelby and Joaquin the Monkey

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

2007-10-31T15:55:00.000-07:00

I've noticed that when things are going really well or really not well at all, I never seem to have time to blog or email. I guess that's because whichever way the pendulum swings, I'm super busy.

That said, I'm thrilled to report that things are sailing along really well at the moment.

Savannah is enjoying all the Halloween festivities from Mattel's annual Halloween Happenings to her parade this morning and cannot wait to go trick or treating tonight. She was an American Girl Flapper Girl and today and tonight is going as a Monster Bride. (pics to follow soon)

Shelby is doing well and her tantrums are down to a minimum. I have been giving her as much attention as physically possible and that (as always) seems to do the trick). She is Sally, the Porsche Carerra for Halloween this year but was highly frustrated this morning when she had to go to school as a Veterinarian as her Sally costume is a bit cumbersome.

Sydney is doing so well I can't believe my eyes. She weights 3 lbs 8 oz as of this morning. When I went in for my daytime visit with her, one of her nurses had dressed all of the babies in little halloween tshirts, socks, mittens and hats and taken pics of them for all of the parents as gifts. It brought tears to my eyes and a smile to my face to see such an adorable sight. Women like her were born to be nurses and are the reason this whole experience is tolerable in any way, shape or form.

As for Cary and I, he is fighting of a cold of sorts and is his usual exhausted self. He's been very helpful lately which I appreciate so much. I am bumbling through each day trying to get at least one thing done a day and taking care of everyone as best I can.

Can't wait until next year's halloween when we're all together and our biggest decision will be what kind of takeout to get before trick or treating :)

2 Months

2007-10-25T12:26:00.000-07:00

Time is playing tricks on us I tell you. The days are passing by like hours but at the same time each day is very long and filled with so many things to do. Yesterday Sydney turned two months (technically she is still 35wk4d gestation but there you have it).

She weighs 3 lbs 4 oz and is 16 inches long!!! She loves to stretch and practice blinking. She can give an identical Shelby frown when she's concentrating and she looks just like Savannah when she's asleep.

This week's exciting news is that she has started with an Occupational Therapist. We originally started off with just bottling but after some late night parties have realized that maybe the boob will be the better way to go for our little champ. These are big steps and what is the real training behind getting her home.

Looks like Thanksgiving may not be so unrealistic after all :) We shall see... For now we're really enjoying all three girls as they continue to grow and change...

Happiness is...

2007-10-23T19:23:00.000-07:00

listening to your 7 year old read her little sister a book...

Just a little bag o'sugar!!!

2007-10-18T16:11:00.000-07:00

Sydney weighed in at 1370g this morning so we have reached the 3 pound mark!!!!!(3 lbs = 1361g)

Four pounds, here we come :)

Orange is not my color...

2007-10-16T15:34:00.001-07:00

Yesterday Nadia and I dressed up Sydney in her halloween costume. Since she will probably skip trick or treating this year we thought this was funny. Not sure sure the nurses who had to help us nor Sydney found it quite as amusing but never the less I'm a sucker for a theme or a holiday and could not forego dressing her up. The costume is actually for a doll but hey you gotta go with what works....

This is Sydney's unamused face.....and her sleepy pumpkin face. I may accidentally eat her one of these days...she could NOT be cuter!

Pacifier

2007-10-16T15:31:00.000-07:00

One of Sydney's new skills is learning how to suck which she does with extremely great concentration. This is the smallest pacifier they could find at the hospital so we treasure it like gold...

Let's Cuddle...

2007-10-16T10:34:00.000-07:00

with Aunty Nad. On Tuesday 10/09/07 the princess and the mischief maker (you decide who's who ;) had their first cuddle. Aren't they both gorgeous!!!!

As you can see Sydney is passed out in sheer bliss. (BTW, please note all my children seem to be fly catchers and all are known to sleep with their mouth open) Sydney would occasionally open here eyes have a sigh and close them as if to say, oh good its just you Aunty Nad.

Shelby Love...

2007-10-05T10:11:00.000-07:00

Shelby needed a day to herself with Mama (part of her birthday celebrations). What's a better way to spend the day than with your Mom all to yourself and have your best friend Jack along with his Mom Cristina to join in the fun. It was a great day at 4 year old pace (in addition to being best buddies, Jack and Shelby were also born on the same day).

We had a great time at Disneyland and enjoyed a mini roller coaster, the carousel, the cars ride, buzz light year and of course ended the day with a big ice cream each while we watched the parade...

Chunky Monkey

2007-10-03T08:05:00.000-07:00

Well that little Sydney, despite her marathon of pooping all by herself (a new skill she has just acquired) she has gained a whopping 160 grams in the past three days! I am so proud of her I can't even tell you.

She has gone from 1035 grams on Sunday to 1195 grams as of last night (she is now 2lbs9oz!!!).

The other big development is they have moved her feeding tube to her nose with her oxygen prongs. Now her mouth will be completely clear for the first time since she was born. I cannot wait to see her today and be the first one to give her a kiss :)

Just thought I'd share...

Kids...they keep ya humble

2007-10-02T16:15:00.000-07:00

Today for my daytime visit to Sydney my friend Enrique decided to join me and come and meet the little princess.

We watched her for a little and then the nurse told me to go ahead and take her temperature and change her diaper. That was all fine and well except during her diaper change while Enrique and I were chatting, Sydney remembered that she had been meaning to poop.

Apparently the draft of air reminded her of this when I took off her diaper. I am not kidding when I say I now know what projectile poop really is. The stuff shot all the way to the other end of the incubator. How could someone that tiny (and we're talking miniature people) make firstly that much poop let alone have enough strength to force it out that far!

Enrique and I just looked at each other in shock and then he sprang to wet more wipes while I tried to unsuccessfully keep the diaper over Sydney while she continued. Needless to say everything had poop on it. I am now doing laundry at this very minute.

So much for me being confident about changing my 2lb daughter's diaper. What was I thinking underestimating that little chic?

My friend Sarah in heaven was having a good laugh at this one for sure.

Now I know...

2007-10-02T08:37:00.000-07:00

how all my stay at home mom friends feel. For the upteenth morning in a row I reminded my darling husband of the two minor chores he promised to help with (putting away the dry clean dishes and making the bed (just in case you were wondering)). I had bitten my lip for most of the morning..."not wanting to go there" but he could tell I was frustrated so I reminded him what we had agreed.

His response: "I just don't see what the big deal is if you're home all day."

Where exactly should I begin with this one ladies?

Okay vent over....have a good one.

The Simple Things...

2007-09-30T22:41:00.001-07:00

Kisses from Mama

Mama's wedding ring...who needs a rattle...

Sydney and Auntie Nad

2007-09-30T22:39:00.000-07:00

Auntie Nad came to visit and got to see Sydney bright eyed and bushy tailed as they say...

Yippeee Auntie Nad is here....

Big Sisters

2007-09-30T22:34:00.000-07:00

During our evening visit today we got to give Savannah, Shelby, Nana and Auntie Nad a little one on one time each with Sydney.

Unfortunately visiting with Shelby is a full time job and she was just thrilled to get to put her little hand inside the incubator for the first time. She decided that tickling Sydney's feet might be a good idea so hence both my hands were full so I didn't get to snap a pic.

Savannah is now understanding how to be an ultimate big sister and how careful to be as well as quiet. She got to hold hands with Sydney for the first time. She is so proud of being a big sister to two baby sisters who "she loves the same and are very different".

Nana and Sydney

2007-09-30T22:32:00.000-07:00

Nana and Sydney got to enjoy their first cuddle on Saturday morning. Sydney was well behaved and now Nana too has a new appreciation for the word "little" :)

Happy 4th Birthday Shelby

2007-09-30T22:10:00.000-07:00

On Saturday 09/29 we celebrated Shelby's 4th Birthday.

Shelby had insisted for some time that she wanted to have a birthday party. If she was mad or upset for any reason, her first comment to you would be "...then you're not coming to my birthday party....".

When I asked Shelby what kind of birthday she wanted, her response was a "Cars" birthday.

Cary and I got quite a lot of entertainment out of discussing Shelby's birthday plans with her. At one time she wanted no adults (except her family) and no girls. Trying to get her own sister on the list from day to day was a challenge :)

In the end we had her three little boy buddies over (and yes she relented to letting their baby sisters come) and a bouncer and a cake and she was a very happy camper.

Shelby is my tomboy who loves anything the color blue, is proud to have a best friend named Jack and while she can dig in the dirt, be covered in paint or play with her cars until she falls asleep, she also loves each and every doll and stuffed animal equally. Our house typically looks like a day care as Shelby manages to have dolls covered with tea towels (blankets) from one end of our flat to the other.

I look at Shelby in amazement, she is tough and rough and ready to rumble and has no idea how breathtakingly gorgeous she is. Her big eyes and black eyelashes have a way of always stopping me in my tracks, sometimes forgetting what I'm going to say next. She is funny and sensitive and her strong willed personality always reminds me that she has her own set of rules, that there is a "different" way of doing things. She rarely asks for forgiveness or permission and I love the way she always marches to the beat of her own drum regardless of what anyone else is doing. Shelby makes motherhood an adventure and I can't wait to see what the next chapter of our journey holds...

Its a Bird, Its a Plane, its....Kilo Baby

2007-09-30T21:51:00.000-07:00

So as the title says, Sydney Keown reached that fabulous 1 kilo (2.2 pounds or 1000 grams) on Thursday evening during her date with her Dad.

Cary went up to visit Sydney on 09/27 to have some one on one time and it turns out she pulled out all the stops for him. During his visit she gave him a good cry (a sound we have both come to love and get super excited when she does. We did not hear our baby cry since she was born for 32 days so we gloat to each other every chance we get).

Not only did she meet her kilo weight and cry but also sucked a teeny pacifier for the first time. I sit and watch patiently day after day at the wonder and miracle of Sydney and half the time she just sleeps through my visits. She'll give me a look as if to say, oh hi Mom its just you. He shows up one night by himself and she turns into a little showgirl.

Ah well, I guess its our teeny equivalent of when the mom spends all their time with baby and their first word is Dada. Such is life...

Savannah and Shelby Time...

2007-09-24T17:01:00.000-07:00

After some feedback by one of our dearest babysitters (thanks Joan!), I decided it would be most helpful to hang out with the girls uninterrupted for the rest of the day Saturday. We tried to take a nap but after that failed I turned to chocolate and we made brownies. Well the girls actually took to redecorating the whiteboard while I baked. They of course were very happy to help me clean the mixer and bowl. Here's a little pic of that.

After that we cleaned up and headed to dinner with Nana at California Pizza Kitchen followed by a trip to Toys R Us for Shelby to pick out a present from Auntie Jac. Her gift of choice was a double stroller from fisher price (cannot believe I payed retail when I work for the company!)

After that it was off to Baskin Robbins to order Shelby's Car cake that she has had her eye on for months. Savannah fell asleep in my arms which was sheer bliss while Shelby continued to play with her new stroller until she nearly collapsed but fortunately went to bed without too much fuss....

I'm Grateful...

2007-09-21T18:25:00.001-07:00

I was thinking to myself on the drive to the hospital on Monday evening (yes it takes me a while to catch up with blogging), that Motherhood could be defined as being on your way to the hospital to visit your daughter with nothing but the radio and a cold gatorade all the while you have floor seat tickets to the Justin Timberlake concert and being okay with it. I was thinking while on that drive how grateful I am to have such choices and to live in a place where my tiny baby is being so well looked after and that I have opportunities and will have many more to see such entertainers.

I am so grateful this week as Sydney is impressing us all and how she truly is one of my sources of wonder. She has gained 65 g this week and her feeds started on Sunday at 1ml every twelve hours to now 9ml every three hours!!!! She should be at a kilo in no time. I also had the sheer uninterrupted pleasure of holding her for an hour and a half on Thursday and she has been doing very well all week. Her ventilator setting has come down from 40% all the way to 23%. If she keeps this up she will hopefully be off the vent in the upcoming weeks.

I am also so grateful for a community near and far of such wonderful friends. Monday and Wednesday we had meals from Michele and Mary. Wednesday Veronica kindly watched the girls for us while we went to the hospital and Gabe and Karla joined us to meet Sydney for the first time as Mr and Mrs Delfosse:).

Thursday it was Back to School night where I learned Savannah has turned around 180 and is doing very well (and also learning Japanese...who knew!), followed by a mini girls night out with Petrea and Heather who also got to meet Sydney for the first time. Everyone's reaction is always the same.....she is SOOOO tiny.....followed by she is amazing! That's Sydney for you, Tiny but Mighty as the nurses say.

All in all we are doing well and for THAT I am very grateful :)

2007-09-17T17:22:00.000-07:00

Hi Everyone

I am giving the whole idea of "blogging" a try. I think it may be the answer to sending such large emails and also my increasing need to journal, document and be able to remind my kids all the little things for later in life. We'll see.

For those of you who are new to me and my blogspot.... I am the mother of 3 beautiful baby girls. Savannah 7, Shelby 4 (almost) and Sydney 3wks 3days who was born at 26wks6d gestation (delivered early due to me getting HELLP Syndrome).

Sydney is currently at the NICU at Santa Monica UCLA hospital where she is doing very well and this blog will hopefully help with our journey and ultimately our celebrations to come.

Attached is our first family picture taken this Sunday 09/16/07.

Samantha